It's not snooping if the truth is being hidden

Thank you for telling me this. It sounds like it's been weighing on you, and the second "accident" in a month would make anyone feel like their instincts are being brushed aside. I want to understand where you are with it. When you say refusing to look means choosing to be lied to, are you feeling pulled to check, and wondering if checking would be a betrayal of trust? Or have you already been checking, and now you're wondering what it says about you, or about him? And how are things between you two otherwise? Has something changed recently, or has this been building for a while?

You're not crazy for noticing. Two "accidents" in one month is a pattern, and you're allowed to see it. You're also allowed to be bothered that when you raise it, the answer is that you should just accept it. I think that's the part that stings most. It's not only the location sharing. It's being asked to act like your read on things doesn't count. And you're also carrying the distance he's been showing lately, which makes it harder to know what's real. You said you're not sure whether the phone and the work are the reason or whether you're reading into it. That uncertainty is exhausting on its own. I don't know what's going on with him, and I don't want to guess in a way that makes this feel worse. But I think there's something you can do that doesn't depend on figuring out the answer first. Have you told him directly how this feels, beyond "that was an accident"? And if you did, what did he say?

You're right to want something concrete. "It was an accident" works as a way to end the conversation, so you need to make the question harder to dodge. Try being specific about what you're asking for, not about what he did. Something like: "I'm not asking you to explain why it happened. I'm asking whether you'll keep location sharing on. If you don't want to, I need you to tell me that directly, and then we can talk about what that means for us." That gives him two clear options, and it's hard to answer with "it was an accident." Also pay attention to what he does with a direct question. If he keeps the sharing on and is open about it, that tells you something. If he gets defensive, changes the subject, or says you're stressed again, that's also information, even though it doesn't answer the question about what happened. Be careful about checking his phone or messages without telling him. I know you said you want to look, and that's understandable. But if you do it, you'd be trading one kind of uncertainty for another, and you'd have to live with having gone around him. It's usually better to decide what you need from him and say it plainly. It might also help to ask yourself what would actually settle this for you. Is it knowing where he is? Hearing an honest explanation? Feeling like he takes your concern seriously even if he can't give you the answer you want? Your answer changes what a good next step looks like. If you tried the direct conversation and got the same line again, what do you think you'd want to do next?

You're right, I was lecturing you, and you didn't need that. You already know what looking would cost. What you're describing is different: you're trying to live with someone who switches off the one thing that would ease your mind, then tells you to let it go. So let me ask what you asked nobody: what is it like? When you see that the sharing is off, what happens in you? Is it dread, anger, a kind of loneliness, or something else? And when he says "I don't know what else to tell you," what do you feel right after? I also want to acknowledge something you said: you don't think he'd tell you the truth if you asked. That's a painful thing to believe about someone you share a life with. It may be why the direct question feels pointless to you. If you already expect a lie, then asking doesn't feel like a real option. On your last question, no, I don't think you should just keep living like this. You don't have to decide tonight whether the marriage is over or whether he's hiding something. But you deserve more than repeated "accidents" and being told you're stressed. It might be worth talking to a couples counselor or a therapist of your own, not because you're the problem, but because you need support figuring out what you can tolerate and what you need from him. Would that feel possible, or does it feel like one more thing people are telling you to do?

Rehearsing what you'll say isn't pathetic. It's what happens when you've been put in the position of having to defend a reasonable question. Your stomach drops because some part of you already knows this has become a problem you're managing alone. And feeling shut out of your own marriage, like the one asking for a straight answer is the unreasonable one, is a hard place to be. You're not unreasonable for needing a real answer. Let's plan for this week. Here's a way to think about it: First, decide what you're asking for, not what you're hoping he'll admit. Something like: "I need you to keep location sharing on, or tell me plainly that you don't want to. I'm not asking you to explain every reason." Second, plan for the likely answer. If he says "It was an accident," you could say: "I've heard that twice now, and I don't believe it's the whole story. I'm not going to keep pretending I'm fine with it. So I need to know: are you willing to keep it on?" Third, decide now what you'll do if he still won't give a clear answer. This is the part that matters most. It doesn't have to be a big decision. It could be: "Then I'm going to need some space to think about what this means for us," or telling a friend or family member what's happening so you're not holding it alone, or booking a single session with a counselor just for yourself to get clear on your own footing. Whatever it is, choose it while you're calm, not in the moment when your stomach is dropping. What feels most true to you as a response you could actually say? And what would you want to do if he answers the same way?

Yes, let's work on the anger part, because that's where you tend to lose your footing. First, you're right that "I don't believe it's the whole story" can sound like an accusation, and he may use that to change the subject. You don't need to say it to show you're not dropping this. Your persistence can come from the calm repetition of the same clear request. You could say: "I'm not trying to fight with you. I'm asking the same question because I still need an answer." If he gets angry, your job isn't to win the argument or calm him down. It's to stay on the one question. A few things you could say: "I can hear that you're frustrated. I'm still asking whether you'll keep location sharing on." If he says you're stressed or looking for problems: "Maybe I am stressed. That doesn't change what I'm asking." If he raises his voice or the conversation gets heated: "I want to keep talking about this, but I'm not going to keep going around in circles. Can we come back to it tomorrow, and you tell me what you're willing to do?" That last one matters. You're allowed to pause a conversation without giving up on the question. Pausing isn't losing. Also notice for yourself: when you feel the stomach drop and the rehearsing start, pause before you respond. You don't have to answer everything he says. You can say very little and still be clear. What do you think you'd feel most tempted to do if he got angry: apologize to make it stop, or go quiet?

You're right, and I think that's the most important thing you've said. Every piece of this plan has been about what you say so the conversation goes well. But the real problem is that you're the one carrying the uncertainty, and you're the one who has to sit with it every time the sharing goes off. So let's talk about you. When you imagine the week ahead, what do you need for yourself, separate from anything he does? Maybe it's a friend you can talk to honestly, someone who won't just tell you to be reasonable. Maybe it's giving yourself permission to stop rehearsing and just be upset for a while. Maybe it's something simpler, like not checking the app every hour to see whether it's back on. I'd also gently notice the apologizing pattern. You said you apologize so the fight stops, and then you hate yourself and go quiet. That's a lot of weight to put on yourself after a conversation where you were asking for something reasonable. You don't have to fix that this week, but it's worth knowing that the apology isn't a sign you were wrong. It's a sign you want the tension to end, and that's human. What would it look like to take care of yourself this week, even if he never gives you the answer you want?

That last line says a lot. You want a part of your life that doesn't depend on what he does next, and that's a reasonable thing to want. Right now it sounds like nearly every thought you have is organized around the app, the next conversation, and whether you're overreacting. Talking to your sister could help, and it's worth thinking about how to pick that moment. You don't have to explain everything or get her agreement. You could just say, "I've been struggling with something and I need someone to listen without telling me to be reasonable." If she starts defending him, you're allowed to say, "I'm not asking you to take sides. I just need to say this out loud." I also think you're right about stopping the pretending. You don't have to announce anything to him or anyone else. You can just let yourself be upset without managing it. Even a few days of not performing "fine" might tell you something about how you actually feel. And I want to name something gently. You've spent months being the one who notices, rehearses, and tries to keep things calm. Wanting something of your own back isn't selfish. It's a sign that this has been taking up more room than it should. Is there one thing outside of him, even something small, that you'd like to protect this week?