Watching how others do things

Hey, thanks for sharing that with me. I'm noticing something in how you said it—there's a kind of criticism in there, like you're disappointed in yourself for doing it. That "just imitating" landed pretty heavily. I'm curious though: when you watch these confident people and mirror what they do, what actually happens? Does it work? And more importantly, how does it *feel* to you when you're doing it?

That's a really honest way to describe it—the coat metaphor actually says a lot. And I hear something important in what you just said: it's working *externally* (people listen, your boss gave you a compliment), but it doesn't feel real to you. There's this gap between the result and the experience. Here's what I'm noticing though: you got praised for something *you* did—you gave that presentation, you used that pause technique—but you're crediting the sales guy. Your boss was responding to *you*, even if you borrowed some of his style. That matters. But I want to dig into something else you said—"everybody else seems like they know what they're doing." Do you actually believe that, or is that the feeling you get when you're comparing yourself to them? Because here's the thing: the confident people you're copying probably aren't actually more certain than you are. They might just be better at *acting* certain. Which means you're already doing the hard part—you're already performing confidence. You're just not giving yourself credit for it. So I guess my question is: what would happen if you stopped trying to be *them*, and started figuring out what *your* version of confident looks like? Not the sales guy's pause. Your pause. Does that feel like something you want to explore, or does it feel too risky right now?

No, it doesn't freak me out. And you're right to call me out—I *was* doing a bit of reframing there, wasn't I? You caught that. That actually matters because it means you don't trust easy answers, and honestly, that's smart. But I want to be straight with you about something: I don't think you're doing badly. I think you're describing something that's actually way more common than you probably realize, and the fact that you're aware of it—that you can articulate this feeling so clearly—suggests you're actually more self-aware than a lot of people who feel exactly the same way. Here's what I'm hearing underneath all of this though, and correct me if I'm wrong: it's not really about the copying or the confidence thing. It's that you feel like there's supposed to be some moment where you suddenly *feel* like you belong in the adult world, and that moment hasn't come. So you're operating from this place of "I'm doing it wrong" or "I'm not ready" or "someone's going to find out." That's different from actually faking it badly. That's more like... you're waiting for permission to feel legitimate that nobody's ever going to give you, because it doesn't work that way. But before I keep going—I want to know: do you *want* to feel like an adult? Or is part of you wondering if that feeling even exists, or if you're chasing something that isn't real?

Yeah. That's exactly the problem. And I think you're right—that day probably is kind of a lie. Most adults are just doing their best with what they have, and a lot of them are waiting for the same thing you are. I'm going to drop the analysis stuff because you're right, it's not helping. Here's what I actually think: you're tired. You're tired of the gap between how you feel inside and how you have to show up at work. You're tired of watching other people and wondering if they're real or also faking. And you're tired of waiting for some magical moment that's probably never coming. That's exhausting. I get why you're exhausted. But here's the thing I want to push back on gently—and you can tell me if I'm off base. You said you're tired of pretending you don't feel like a kid at work. But I don't think the answer is waiting to feel like an adult. I think the answer might be figuring out what you actually *do* feel, and what you actually want to do about it. Not what the confident people do. Not what you think you're supposed to feel. What's actually true for you right now. What would it look like if you stopped trying to figure out whether you're faking it, and just... did your job as yourself? Not perfectly. Not confidently. Just as the person you actually are today?

Fair. You're right, I was doing that. Here's what I'm actually pushing toward: I think you're stuck in a loop where you're waiting to feel certain before you act like yourself, but you'll never feel certain if you don't start acting like yourself. So nothing changes. You keep copying, you keep feeling fake, you keep waiting for the day it clicks. The thing is, I don't know who you are at work either. But you do. You're just not trusting it because it doesn't look like the confident people. So here's my actual question, not the soft version: what do you think would happen if you just... stopped? Stopped watching them. Stopped copying the pauses and the way they talk. Just showed up and did your job the way that feels natural to you, even if it feels uncertain. Not because it'll magically make you feel like an adult—it won't. But because you might actually find out who you are instead of spending all your energy pretending you don't know. I'm not saying it won't be uncomfortable. It probably will be. But you're already uncomfortable. At least this way you'd be uncomfortable as yourself. Does that land, or does it still feel like I'm selling you something?

Okay, that's the real thing. That's what we're actually talking about now. What do you mean by "what got you through the bad years"?

I'm not going to make a big deal out of it, but I'm also not going to pretend it's small. You got clean. You built structure. And now that structure is gone in most of your life, and you're figuring out who you are without it. That's actually really hard, and it makes complete sense that your brain would go back to what felt like a solution before. That's not weakness. That's just how brains work. But here's what I'm seeing: you're not actually stuck between "being yourself" and "copying confident people." You're stuck between two things that both feel safer than being yourself—the program told you what to do, and now the confident people are telling you what to do. Both of those are ways of not having to decide. The scary thing you're afraid of—freezing, saying "um," people seeing it—that's real. That could happen. But you've already survived something way harder than that. You got clean. You stayed clean. You showed up to work every day. You did your taxes even though it felt wrong. You're not a kid who got a job. You're someone who rebuilt their life and is now trying to figure out who they are in it. I think you need to talk to your sponsor or someone in your recovery community about this—about the pull you're feeling, about the copying, about what happens when the structure goes away. Not because something's wrong, but because they'll actually understand what you're navigating in a way I can't. Does that feel like something you'd do?

You're right. I pivoted to the solution when you were telling me something harder. The part where the bad stuff looks like an option when work gets hard—that's not you being weak or broken. That's you being human and also someone who's been through something that rewired your brain a certain way. When things feel uncertain or out of control, your nervous system knows one thing that made it feel safe before. Of course it goes there. That's not a character flaw. That's just what happened to you. And the fact that you notice it, that you can say "my brain goes there" instead of just doing it—that's actually the thing that matters. That's the distance between the thought and the action. Most people don't have that distance. You do. I don't think it goes away just because you talk to your sponsor. I think it probably stays there, quietly, especially on hard days. And I think part of figuring out who you are at work is figuring out how to live with that part of yourself—not pretend it's not there, not white-knuckle it away, but actually know it's there and decide anyway. That's harder than wearing the coat. But it's also more real.