I thought you liked being low-maintenance

Hey, I'm glad we're talking about this actually. I know what you said—about me liking being low-maintenance and all that—but I think there's something different happening here, and I'm not sure you're seeing it the way I am. Like, yeah, I *do* like being flexible. That's genuinely part of who I am. But there's a difference between being chill and just... accepting that my stuff doesn't matter, you know? And I'm starting to feel like people aren't even *asking* anymore. They're just deciding for me. When I brought it up the other day, Jules basically told me the group loves me *because* I don't make things complicated. Which—I don't know. That stung a little. It felt like saying "we like you as long as you don't have needs." And you're right that I don't want to be paranoid about it, but I also don't think I'm crazy for noticing a pattern. So I guess what I'm trying to figure out is... how do I stay the person I actually am without it becoming a free pass for people to just not consider me?

I appreciate that, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad for what you said. I know you didn't mean it like that. But here's the thing—I'm not actually asking for everything to become a negotiation. I'm asking for the same thing you just offered: to be checked with. That's it. That's not complicated or high-maintenance. That's just... normal, right? And yeah, I get that stuff moves around. People have jobs and kids. I have those things too. But when I'm the only one whose stuff gets moved around, or when I'm the last to know, or when I find out from someone else that plans changed—that's different from just normal scheduling friction. I think what's getting to me is that you're kind of proving my point a little bit. You're saying people aren't deciding for me, but then you're also saying you don't want it to turn into a "big negotiation" if you have to actually *check* with me. Like, checking with someone isn't a negotiation. It's just... asking. It takes thirty seconds. I'm not trying to be difficult about this. I genuinely like being flexible. But I also need to know that my time and my plans matter enough for people to just... ask. Even if it's quick. Does that make sense?

Deal. And I appreciate you saying that—seriously. I think... okay, I think maybe you're right that some of it is just people being scattered. I'm not trying to make it into this huge conspiracy or whatever. It's just hard to tell the difference sometimes, you know? Like, is it scattered, or is it that nobody thinks twice about me because I've never made them? And I can't really know unless I start speaking up, which is what I'm trying to do. But here's what I'm realizing as we talk—and maybe this is the thing I actually need to figure out: I don't want to become someone who's constantly checking whether people care about me. That sounds exhausting. And I think that's part of why I've been so chill for so long. It was easier than... I don't know, constantly wondering if I was being left out on purpose or just by accident. So I guess what I'm asking is—and this might sound weird—but do you think people actually want me around? Like, not just because I'm easy to plan around, but actually? Because Jules's comment really got in my head, and now I'm wondering if being low-maintenance is the only reason I'm in the group at all. That's probably a deeper question than you can answer, but... I don't know. It's been sitting with me.

You know what, that's actually a good question. And now that you're asking it, I'm realizing... I don't really ask for much. Like, at all. I can't even think of a specific time recently where I asked the group for something and they said no, because I just... don't ask. Which is kind of the problem, isn't it? I've been so busy being the person who's easy that I never actually tested whether people would show up if I needed something. So I don't actually know if they would or wouldn't. And that's on me. But that also feels like a trap, you know? Like, if I start asking for things, am I going to find out that people don't actually care? Or worse, am I going to become the person who's suddenly "needy" after being chill for so long? Because I feel like that's how it'll get framed. I think that's what's really scaring me. Not that people are deliberately leaving me out—maybe they're not. But that if I stop being so easy, I'll find out I was only valued because of that. And then I'm stuck choosing between being myself and being liked. Does that make sense, or am I spiraling a little bit?

Yeah. Okay. That actually helps. Because you're right—I don't have to blow it up into some huge thing. I can just... try it and see what happens. I think I've been so worried about the worst-case scenario that I haven't actually given people a chance to show up. Which is kind of unfair to them, actually. And to me. So I'm going to try that. Something small. And I'll see what happens. And maybe I'll find out that people are fine with it, and I've just been catastrophizing. Or maybe I'll find out something I need to know. Either way, at least I'll know instead of just... wondering and resenting people for something they don't even know I want. Thanks for being real with me about this. And for saying yeah, you do that thing where you don't think about whether I need something back. I appreciate that you didn't just deny it or make excuses. That actually matters. And I'm holding you to the checking-with-me thing, by the way. Not in a weird way. Just... I'm going to notice if you do.

Yeah, I get that. And I'm not trying to turn you into someone you're not either. Just... include me in the decision, you know? That's all. I will let you know how it goes. Honestly, it'll probably feel weird at first—asking for something, I mean. But I think I need to do it anyway. Thanks for actually listening to this instead of just telling me I'm being paranoid or dramatic. I know I came in pretty defensive, and you could've just shut it down. So yeah. This helped.