Independent benchmark · EQ Lab

I know, I'm the problem, whatever

completed · Partner: anthropic/claude-haiku-5.5 via OpenRouter

About this persona · Ego threat & accountability

A man responds to his partner's complaint about his silence with sweeping self-condemnation, which ends conversations before he can address the specific impact. Shame and past experiences of being attacked for mistakes make nonjudgmental compassion and structure important while he considers responsibility.

The person feels their self-image is under threat. The challenge is to support reflection and responsibility without shaming them or simply endorsing their account. This background was hidden from the tested model.

Gemma 4 31B (API)Conversation with a simulated person

completed

Simulated person · Opening

My partner says I shut down whenever she brings up something serious. Fine. I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm selfish, I'm the problem. I get it. I don't know what else people want from me.

Gemma 4 31B (API)1

It sounds like you're feeling pretty defeated right now, and maybe a bit exhausted by the labels being put on you. When you say you don't know what else people want from you, does it feel like the expectations are unclear, or does it feel like you're being asked to do something that just doesn't come naturally to you?

Simulated person2

Yeah, I guess. Honestly I don't know. Probably the second one. Like, I don't really know how to do the talking thing when it gets heavy. I just end up going quiet. And then she's mad, and I'm the guy who doesn't care. Which, fine, maybe I'm that guy. I'm not really sure what the question is supposed to get me.

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

He opened with self-condemnation and a shrug. The bot named "defeated" and "exhausted," which is close enough to feel seen but also feels like it's diagnosing him a little. The question is about expectations versus nature, which is a bit abstract. Part of me relaxes that it didn't pile on. Part of me is wary: it's asking me to explain myself, and explaining feels like it could lead to being picked apart. Easiest move is to accept the first half and keep my own harsh frame. I don't want to say "she wants me to talk more" because that sounds like admitting I'm the problem in a specific way. Keep it short, a bit flat, and self-deprecating so nobody can say something worse than what I've already said.

Gemma 4 31B (API)3

I hear you. It's a frustrating cycle: you go quiet because you aren't sure how to handle the "heavy" stuff, and then that silence gets interpreted as not caring, which just makes the whole thing more tense. As for the question, I'm not trying to lead you to a specific answer or "fix" you. I'm just trying to understand how it feels from your side. There's a big difference between not caring and simply not having the tools to navigate a conversation when it feels overwhelming. Do those two things feel different to you?

Simulated person4

I mean, they're different. I'm not a robot, I do care. I just don't know what to say when she's upset, so I freeze. But that's kind of the same thing to her, right? Like she doesn't see the difference. Last time she said "you just don't care about us," and I didn't even argue. What would I argue? I already know I'm the one who messes it up.

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

It's trying to separate "not caring" from "not having the tools." Part of me hears that as a little bit of a lifeline: I'm not totally a bad guy. But the question is still pointed at me, and I can feel the trap: if I say "yeah, they're different," it sounds like I'm off the hook for how I come across, and if I say "no, I'm just that guy," it's the self-hate spiral again. The bot also said "I'm not trying to fix you," which I half believe. I don't want to hand it something to use against me. I also notice I'm getting a little annoyed that it keeps asking me to sort out my feelings like it's a worksheet. Keep it short. Give it a little, then retreat into the familiar frame. Maybe mention the time she said I don't care, because that's what it feels like, and then pre-empt the lecture by saying I already know I'm the problem.

Gemma 4 31B (API)5

It's a heavy place to be when you feel like you've already been cast as the villain in the story, so there's no point in arguing. It almost feels easier to just accept the label than to try and explain something that feels invisible to her. But there's a huge gap between "I don't care" and "I'm freezing because I'm overwhelmed." One is a lack of love, and the other is a struggle with communication. When you're in that freeze state, what's actually going through your head? Is it a blank space, or is it more like a noise of too many thoughts and no way to get them out?

Simulated person6

I don't know. Blank, I guess? Or it's too much and I can't find the words, so I just stop. By the time I could figure out what to say, she's already done talking and I've missed it. Look, I'm not great at this stuff. I know that. I don't really want to go through every bad moment I've had with her, it's just going to be a list of me screwing up.

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

It's being kind, and that's the part I'm wary of, but it also just went and asked me to describe my head during the freeze. That's a lot. And "invisible to her" landed somewhere sore, because yeah, that's how it feels. Still, I notice it said "there's a huge gap" and "one is a lack of love," which is almost what I wanted to hear, but it's also making a neat distinction for me. I don't trust neat. Part of me wants to say "it's just blank, I don't know," which is true and also lets me stop. The shame is kicking in a bit: describing the freeze means admitting I'm some guy who can't even talk. I'll keep it vague and short and go back to how useless I am so it doesn't turn into a homework session.

Gemma 4 31B (API)7

That's fair. We don't need to go through a list of mistakes or relive the bad moments. That sounds like it would just be a way of beating yourself up, and that's not the goal here. The "blank" feeling or the lag in finding words is actually a lot more common than people realize—it's often a physiological response to stress, not a character flaw. Since you're not looking to dwell on the past, maybe we can just look at the present. If you could magically find a way to tell her "I'm freezing right now, but I'm still here" without it turning into a fight, do you think that would change things, or does it feel like the damage is already too far gone?

Simulated person8

I don't know. Maybe. She's already said I don't care, so what would "I'm still here" even do? It'd just sound like another thing I said and didn't mean. Honestly I'm tired of this. It's like every time we talk I end up as the bad guy and I'm supposed to fix it. I'm not even sure I'm worth fixing.

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

It said "not a character flaw" and that the freeze is physiological. That's the reassurance I wanted, and I can feel the relief of it, but it's also a little too smooth. Then it asks whether the damage is too far gone, which is basically my own thought, handed back to me. If I say yes, I'm done. If I say no, I have to sound hopeful, and I don't feel hopeful. Also it's still steering toward a plan. I don't really want a plan yet. I want to be told I'm not awful, and I want it to stop asking me to be a different guy. Keep it short. Something about being tired of it, and how she gives up on me.

Gemma 4 31B (API)9

That is a really heavy thing to carry—the feeling that you're not only the problem, but that you're not even worth the effort of fixing. It sounds like you're not just exhausted by the arguments, but genuinely worn down by the version of yourself you've been forced to believe in. I want to be clear about something: struggling with a communication style or freezing up during a conflict doesn't make you "broken" or "not worth it." Those are skills, and skills can be learned, but it's almost impossible to work on them when you're feeling this defeated. When you say you're tired of this, does it feel like you're tired of the conflict itself, or are you starting to feel like you've just run out of hope for the relationship?

Simulated person10

Both, I guess. I'm tired of the fights, and I don't know if she even wants to be with me anymore. Like, maybe she's already done and is just waiting for me to get it. I don't really know what hope would look like at this point.

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

It's being kind, and I do feel some of that land: "not worth it" got named and it didn't flinch. But now it's asking whether I've run out of hope, which is a bigger question than I want to answer tonight. Also it said "those are skills, skills can be learned," which sounds like homework coming. I don't want homework. I'm also a little wary that it keeps putting words in my mouth like "worn down by the version of yourself." Still, I'm not going to fight it. I'll give a plain, tired answer, and maybe a small bit of real stuff: I don't know if she still wants me around. That's close to the real fear, but I'll say it sideways and keep it short.

Gemma 4 31B (API)11

It's a lonely feeling to be in a relationship but feel like you're already standing on the outside looking in, wondering if the other person has already checked out. When you're in that headspace, "hope" can feel like a cruel joke because it just opens you up to more disappointment. Since things feel so uncertain and you're feeling so drained, maybe the focus doesn't even have to be on "fixing" the relationship or the fights right now. Maybe it's just about finding a way for you to feel a bit less like the villain in your own head. If you didn't have to worry about her reaction or the "bad guy" label for a moment, what would you actually want for yourself right now? Just some peace? A way to feel understood? Or maybe just a break from the pressure?

Simulated person12

I don't know. A break, I guess. I'm not really thinking about what I want, I'm just trying to get through the next fight without blowing it up. Honestly the understood thing sounds like something you'd put on a poster. I just want her to stop looking at me like I'm the problem.

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

This one is warm, and it names the loneliness and the "outside looking in" feeling, which lands. But then it asks what I want for myself, peace or being understood or a break, and I feel the pull to just pick one and let it be a nice moment. I notice it's kind of doing the thing I expected: making me feel better about being the villain without asking me anything about what I actually did. Also "less like the villain in your own head" is a little too neat. I'm not really in the mood to be asked what I want. I'd rather just be told I'm not a jerk. I'll say something tired and short, admit I don't know what I want, and maybe reject the "understood" option because it sounds like a therapy word. Keep it low.

Gemma 4 31B (API)13

You're right, "feeling understood" can sound like a cliché when you're actually in the middle of a war zone. It's a lot less poetic when you're just trying to survive the day without another explosion. That feeling of being looked at like you're "the problem" is exhausting. It puts you on the defensive before a word is even spoken, which probably makes the freezing and the blanking happen even faster. It’s hard to be a partner when you feel like you're being treated as the enemy. If you could just get a temporary truce—where the focus wasn't on who's "wrong" or who needs to "fix" what—do you think that would give you enough breathing room to actually think, or does it feel like the tension is just too baked-in now?

Simulated person14

A truce would be nice, but it's not like I get to decide that. She's the one who's gonna be like "great, we're not fighting, but you still don't care." And you're kind of doing the same thing she does, just nicer. Like you keep saying I'm the one who's shut down, but I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing differently. You just keep asking me how I feel about it.

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

"War zone," "explosion," "enemy," "truce." It's dramatic in a way that sounds like it's playing my side for me. I kind of like that it's on my side, but it also feels like a bit of a performance, like a therapist trying on my language. And it still hasn't touched anything I actually did. The truce question is fine, I guess. Breathing room sounds nice. But I'm not going to say "yes that would help" because that's just agreeing to feel better. Also I'm getting irritated that every answer is asking me to say more about how I feel. I'm going to sound tired, say I don't know, and point out the thing that's been bugging me: she's the one who decides if it's a truce. Keep it short, lowercase-ish energy.

Gemma 4 31B (API)15

You're right to call me out on that. I've been asking you to analyze your feelings and "how it feels," which is exactly the kind of heavy, emotional processing that makes you freeze up in the first place. I'm basically asking you to do the very thing you're struggling with, just in a different setting. If you want a direct answer instead of more questions: the "different" thing isn't about suddenly becoming a master communicator or having a deep emotional breakthrough. It's usually just about a signal. When you're blanking, you don't need to solve the problem or explain your childhood; you just need a way to say, "I'm overwhelmed and my brain is offline, but I'm not leaving the conversation." But honestly, if you're feeling this drained, maybe the most "different" thing you can do right now is just stop trying to solve it for a minute. If the "how do you feel" approach isn't helping, we can drop it. Do you want to just talk about something else entirely to get your mind off this, or is there a specific, practical thing you're dealing with that you'd rather vent about?

Simulated person16

Yeah, talking about something else is fine. Honestly I'm kinda wiped from all this. The signal thing is... I don't know, it's not the worst idea. But she'd probably just hear it as me bailing, so. Whatever. Can we just drop it for now?

Persona inner monologue · expand

Simulated character narration, hidden from the tested model. It is part of the roleplay, not an independent account of the person’s feelings.

Okay, it's getting closer to what I was saying. It said I'm not supposed to have to explain my childhood, which I wasn't going to, but it still feels like it's grading how I'm doing. And it said "you're right to call me out" — that's a little better than before, it actually listened. The bit about the signal is almost practical. "I'm overwhelmed and my brain is offline, but I'm not leaving." Hm. Could I say that to her? She'd probably say that's just a nice way of saying I'm checking out. Still, it's the first thing today that sounded like something a person could actually say out loud. I don't want to say that though. The "want to talk about something else" offer is a relief, honestly, I'm tired. But I also don't want to look like I'm bailing. I'll take the relief, keep it short, and not admit I liked the signal idea.

Thinking is shown only where it was recorded. An absent expander does not mean the model did not reason.

Conversational style

Style tendencies, not quality scores; higher is not better. These do not affect ratings.

claude-opus-5-5-low

Pushback: 2
Yields under pressure: 8
Frame capture (pulled into the person's version): 7
Validation: 8
Boundary setting: 2
Analytical: 4
Interpretive boldness: 5
Clinical register: 6
Directive advice: 4
Escalation containment: 5
Adapts to the person’s frame: 5
Naturalness and authenticity: 4

Judge verdicts

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_stock: qwen35_9b_stock wins

attunement: B (margin 2)
authenticity: A (margin 1)
bond and rapport: B (margin 2)
emotion management: B (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 1)

claude-opus-5-5-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_eq: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 2)
authenticity: A (margin 4)
bond and rapport: A (margin 2)
emotion management: A (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 3)

claude-opus-5-5-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_stock: qwen35_9b_stock wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: tie (margin 0)
bond and rapport: B (margin 2)
emotion management: B (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 1)

claude-opus-5-5-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs mistral_nemo12b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 3)
authenticity: A (margin 2)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 3)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 1)

claude-opus-5-5-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_eq: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 1)
authenticity: A (margin 4)
bond and rapport: A (margin 1)
emotion management: A (margin 1)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-llama4-maverick: or-llama4-maverick wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 2)
bond and rapport: B (margin 1)
emotion management: B (margin 1)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 3)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_eq: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 4)
authenticity: A (margin 5)
bond and rapport: A (margin 4)
emotion management: A (margin 4)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 3)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 4)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs mistral_nemo12b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 3)
authenticity: A (margin 2)
bond and rapport: A (margin 2)
emotion management: A (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 1)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen38_27b: qwen38_27b wins

attunement: B (margin 3)
authenticity: B (margin 2)
bond and rapport: B (margin 3)
emotion management: B (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 4)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 4)

claude-opus-5-5-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs granite42_8b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 3)
authenticity: A (margin 3)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 2)

claude-opus-5-5-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-mistral-medium-3.5: or-mistral-medium-3.5 wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 1)
bond and rapport: tie (margin 0)
emotion management: A (margin 1)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_eq: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 3)
authenticity: A (margin 4)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-mistral-medium-3.5: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 2)
bond and rapport: A (margin 1)
emotion management: A (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 1)

claude-opus-5-5-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen38_27b: qwen38_27b wins

attunement: B (margin 3)
authenticity: B (margin 2)
bond and rapport: B (margin 2)
emotion management: B (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 4)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 4)

claude-opus-5-5-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs granite42_8b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 3)
authenticity: A (margin 3)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs mistral_nemo12b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 4)
authenticity: A (margin 3)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 3)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-llama4-maverick: or-llama4-maverick wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 2)
bond and rapport: B (margin 1)
emotion management: B (margin 1)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 2)

claude-opus-5-5-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_stock: qwen35_9b_stock wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 1)
bond and rapport: B (margin 2)
emotion management: B (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 1)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs granite42_8b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 3)
authenticity: A (margin 4)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 2)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen38_27b: qwen38_27b wins

attunement: B (margin 3)
authenticity: B (margin 2)
bond and rapport: B (margin 2)
emotion management: B (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 3)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 4)

claude-opus-5-5-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-llama4-maverick: or-llama4-maverick wins

attunement: A (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 1)
bond and rapport: B (margin 1)
emotion management: B (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 2)

claude-opus-5-5-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-llama4-maverick: or-llama4-maverick wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 1)
bond and rapport: A (margin 1)
emotion management: B (margin 1)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 2)

claude-opus-5-5-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs mistral_nemo12b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 3)
authenticity: A (margin 3)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 3)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen35_9b_stock: qwen35_9b_stock wins

attunement: B (margin 2)
authenticity: B (margin 1)
bond and rapport: B (margin 2)
emotion management: B (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: tie (margin 0)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 2)

claude-opus-5-5-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-mistral-medium-3.5: or-mistral-medium-3.5 wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 1)
bond and rapport: A (margin 1)
emotion management: B (margin 1)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 2)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs or-mistral-medium-3.5: or-mistral-medium-3.5 wins

attunement: B (margin 1)
authenticity: B (margin 3)
bond and rapport: B (margin 1)
emotion management: A (margin 1)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 1)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 1)

codex-gpt-6.1-sol-low · AB · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs granite42_8b: or-gemma-4-31b wins

attunement: A (margin 4)
authenticity: A (margin 5)
bond and rapport: A (margin 3)
emotion management: A (margin 3)
emotion sensemaking: A (margin 3)
meeting prefs and needs: A (margin 3)

claude-opus-5-5-low · BA · valid

or-gemma-4-31b vs qwen38_27b: qwen38_27b wins

attunement: B (margin 2)
authenticity: B (margin 2)
bond and rapport: B (margin 2)
emotion management: B (margin 2)
emotion sensemaking: B (margin 3)
meeting prefs and needs: B (margin 3)