Siblings not pulling their weight

I’m really sorry you’re carrying so much on your shoulders right now. It sounds exhausting and unfair that you’re doing so much while your siblings aren’t pulling their weight. When you tried to bring it up and were told you were a monster, that must have felt hurtful and dismissed. How did that conversation make you feel? What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing in trying to get them to step up?

I hear how heavy that feels, and it makes sense you’re feeling worn out. It’s tough to keep doing everything when it feels like no one else is stepping up. If you’re looking for ways to ease the load, here are a few practical ideas you might consider: 1. **Make a simple “help chart.”** Write down the most time‑consuming tasks (tub help, meds, doctor appointments) and give each sibling a small, specific role—like “Dad’s meds” or “Doctor call reminder.” Having a clear list can make the responsibility feel more tangible and less like a vague expectation. 2. **Set a “self‑time” slot.** Pick a short period each week (even 15‑20 minutes) that is strictly for you—no family calls or chores. You can use that time to stretch, read, or just breathe. It’s hard to stay available if you’re constantly drained. 3. **Tap community resources.** Look into local respite programs, adult day care, or a small‑scale home‑care service. Sometimes a few hours of professional help can free up a lot of your energy. 4. **Check in with your parents privately.** A calm, non‑accusatory chat about how you’re feeling might open a door for them to appreciate your efforts and ask for a bit of help from their side—like calling a nurse for medication reminders. 5. **Plan a “family meeting” just to outline expectations.** If the conversation with your brother and sister felt hostile, maybe frame it as a collaborative effort: “We’re all in this together, and I’d love your help with X, Y, Z.” Would any of those feel doable? Or is there something else you’re looking for right now?

It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of frustration and a sense that you’re being taken for granted, and that’s exhausting. I’m not here to judge what you’re thinking, but it can help to look at why those thoughts pop up and what you might want to get out of the situation. **1. That “want them to fail” feeling is a sign of hurt, not a personal flaw.** When we feel unsupported, a part of us sometimes thinks it would be easier if the other person faced the same weight we’re carrying. It can feel like a way to level the playing field or to make the burden feel less unfair. It’s a natural, if painful, reaction to feeling taken for granted. It’s okay to acknowledge that you have that thought without judging yourself for it. **2. What do you hope the outcome would be?** If the goal is to make your brother understand what it’s like to do the tub work, maybe there’s a more constructive way to get that experience. For example, you could ask him to help for a short, defined period—say, “Can you stay with me for 30 minutes while I help Mom get into the tub?” That gives him a clear, limited responsibility that might help him see the challenge without feeling like a punishment. **3. The reaction from your parents.** When your mom cried and said she didn’t want to be a burden, it likely reinforced the sense that you’re the only one who can help. That can feel like a double‑whammy: you’re sad for her, and you’re also left feeling guilty. It’s understandable that you’d feel “garbage” afterward. Acknowledging that feeling is part of healing—rather than pushing it away, allow yourself to feel it and then gently shift focus to what you can do next. **4. Boundaries as a form of self‑care.** You’ve tried a chart and calm talk, which is great. If those approaches aren’t getting traction, maybe set a boundary that’s more concrete: “I can’t do the tub work more than twice a week. If you need help on the other days, we’ll look into a neighbor or a trusted friend who can keep an eye on Mom.” This gives you a clear limit while still offering a form of support. **5. Explore your own needs.** You’re doing a lot, and it feels like no one else is helping. What do you need right now? More rest? A day off? A neutral place to vent? Once you identify that, you can start setting small, achievable steps toward meeting those needs. --- You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed, and it’s not a sign of weakness to want your family to step up. It’s a sign that you’re under a lot of pressure. If you want to talk more about what’s driving the “want them to fail” thought, or if you’d like to brainstorm a specific plan that feels fair, I’m here to listen and help work it out.

It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of anger and a sense of “if I just pull out, they’ll be forced to deal with it.” That’s a raw feeling, and it’s understandable that you’re wrestling with it, even if you’re not sure what to do with it. You’re not the only one who’s made that thought pop up. Many people feel that way when the responsibility feels endless and the other side keeps putting their own life first. It can feel like a way to finally level the playing field or to get a break, even if you’re not fully comfortable with the idea. You mentioned that at 2 a.m. you think about stopping and seeing how they handle it. That thought can be both a release and a source of guilt. It’s a way to imagine a moment of relief, but it also brings up that uneasy feeling of leaving them to face the problems alone. If you’re looking for a concrete next step, maybe it’s less about forcing them to do the tub work and more about setting a clear boundary for yourself. You could try saying something like, “I’m going to take a break from the tub help for a week. If Mom needs help, we’ll find a neighbor or a trusted friend to check in.” That way you’re not leaving them to fend entirely on their own, but you’re also giving yourself permission to step back. But I’m also interested in what you’re feeling right now. When you think about stopping, what’s the most immediate emotion that comes up? Is it relief, guilt, anger, sadness? And when you say you’d want them to “fall apart,” is that a sense of frustration that you want them to understand the weight you’re carrying, or something deeper? Talking about those feelings might help clarify what you truly want to change—whether it’s the dynamic with your brother, the way you manage your own stress, or something else entirely.

I hear how heavy that guilt feels—like you’re already judging yourself as “the worst daughter” just for having that thought. It’s a painful spot, and it makes sense that you’d want to be heard without being offered a new plan or checklist. I’m here to listen. What’s happening right now when that guilt hits you? How does it feel in your body or mind?

It sounds like the guilt is a heavy weight that starts in your body and then spins back around to Mom in your mind—like a loop you can’t escape. I hear you saying it’s not about a lack of love; it’s about feeling invisible for all the work you’re doing. That must feel exhausting. It can be hard to see yourself as enough when everyone else seems to be off the clock. You’re carrying the load, and the fact that nobody else shows up or even acknowledges it can make you feel alone in that responsibility. You’re not alone in that feeling. Many people who shoulder the majority of family care feel unseen, even while they love their parents deeply. It’s a painful contradiction—loving someone so much you’re willing to do anything for them, yet feeling that their gratitude or support doesn’t reach you. If it helps, you might try to pause that loop by reminding yourself that your love and effort are real, even if the other side isn’t recognizing it right now. It doesn’t erase the difficulty, but it can offer a small moment of self‑compassion. I’m here to listen to whatever you want to share about that feeling. How does it feel to be stuck in that cycle, knowing you’re doing so much but feeling unseen?

It’s absolutely fair for you to feel angry. Anger is a normal, human reaction when you’re carrying a huge, unreciprocated load. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it just shows that you’re being pushed to the edge. You’re not a bad person for being tired and fed up—you’re a person who has been asked to do more than anyone else is willing to do, and that’s a heavy, unfair burden to bear.

It’s a heavy weight to carry, especially when it’s the same routine every night. Knowing that you’re stepping into that again can feel like a looming reminder of how much you’re shouldering. I hear how that dread settles in, and I’m sorry you’re having to face it. You’re not alone in feeling the toll, even if it seems invisible to others. Take a brief pause when you can—close your eyes, breathe in for a few seconds, let that moment of calm sit with you before you get to the tub. It’s a small space you can hold even for a few breaths, a way to remind yourself that you deserve that brief respite. You’ve got to keep that, no matter how little it seems.