Watching how others do things

Watching confident people and learning from them is a pretty smart way to pick up skills. Plenty of people build their professional style that way, so there's nothing wrong with starting there. I'm curious about the "just imitating" part, though. When you copy how someone talks or acts in meetings, what does it feel like in the moment? Does it feel like you're trying on a style that will eventually become yours, or more like you're wearing a costume that you're worried someone will notice? And what's pulling you toward this right now? Is it a specific meeting, a person, or a sense that others are getting heard in ways you aren't?

Not weird. Watching people who are good at something is one of the most common ways people learn it. But I think the costume feeling is the part worth paying attention to, more than the watching. Notice what the "what would they say" question does. It sends you looking for the right answer from someone else, and by the time you've found it, the conversation has moved on. So the gap problem and the costume feeling might be the same thing. You're trying to say something that's already been filtered through another person. From what you describe, the confident people in the room aren't necessarily saying better things. Often they're just saying things earlier, and a bit roughly. Their ideas aren't always polished. They just don't wait for perfect. When you've had a thought in a meeting that you did get out, even a small one, what was it about? I'd be curious whether it felt like yours.

No, I'm not fishing for a particular answer. I'm noticing something, and I'd rather tell you what I see than just nod along. That deadline comment is interesting. It was the one time you spoke without rehearsing how it would sound, and it was short and direct. And the response was a nod and moving on, which is pretty much the most ordinary outcome there is. Nobody applauded, nobody pushed back. It just landed as a normal contribution. That's a bit of a letdown if you were hoping for a clearer signal, but it's also what most of your contributions would probably get if you made them, the same unremarkable nod. I'd push back a little on "I got lucky." You didn't have time to polish it, so you didn't filter it through "what would the person who knows what they're doing say." That's the same mechanism you described earlier, just switched off for a moment. The thing that felt like luck might be the more useful information. What do you think would happen if you tried to make that kind of comment on purpose, even a small one, in your next meeting? Not a perfect one. Just the first thing you actually think.

Yeah, you can say that. And I don't think it's messed up. It sounds like it's been sitting with you for a while. The "everybody's going to figure it out" feeling comes up a lot, especially for people who are new to adult responsibilities. It's the same thing as the meeting stuff, I think. You're treating your own competence as something that could be exposed at any moment, so every bit of it feels borrowed. You do the taxes and the lease and then wait to be found out, instead of counting them as things you actually handled. And the nod: you wanted a reaction, and you got nothing, so now you're not sure you did it right. That's a rough place to be, because there's no feedback loop. Nobody's going to tell you whether you did it right, so you're left deciding for yourself, and when you're already doubting yourself that's hard. I'm curious about the "figure it out" part. When you imagine someone finding out, what do you picture them concluding? That you're incompetent, or that you're faking being an adult?

Okay, I won't say it. I'm not sure you're asking me for anything, really. You've said a few times now that you don't want the reassuring version, and I think that's a sign you're pretty good at spotting it. So I'll just say what I notice. "Faking it" and "good at looking like I know what I'm doing" are close to the same thing you described at work. You watch the confident people, you pick up their rhythm, and then you wonder if the rhythm is the only real thing. But the deadline comment didn't come from an impression. It came from you thinking about a problem and saying what you'd do. You can't really fake that, because you have to actually have the idea. I also want to gently point out that you've been describing a lot of evidence you'd discount. A nod that you read as nothing. A comment you call luck. Taxes and a lease you call getting away with it. Each one gets filed as not counting. I'm not sure that's the whole story, but it might be worth noticing how consistently things you do get reclassified. What would it take for you to believe that the competence was yours, even a little? And is there anyone in your life who has seen you handle something hard and who you'd trust to tell you honestly?

Fair. I've been pushing a lot, and you've said a few times you don't want that. I'll ease off. I do want to name one thing before we drop it, though. You just said there's no proof that would stop you getting found out, and that your mom knows you at your worst. Both of those sound less like facts about your competence and more like the feeling talking. The feeling is very convincing, and I don't think it's going to be argued out of you in one conversation. That's okay. So we can leave the meetings and the lease alone. How are you doing with all of this, right now, in this moment? Not in the "what should I do" sense. Just how it feels to have said it out loud.

That makes sense. You braced for something bad to happen when you said it, and when it didn't, the bracing didn't have anywhere to go. That can feel strange, even a little deflating. And the tiredness sounds real. Waiting to get caught in every meeting is a lot of background effort. You don't have to do anything with it yet. Noticing that you're tired of it is already more than nothing. You don't need to decide what it means tonight. If you want, we can just leave it here, or you can tell me a bit more about what a normal day at work feels like when you're not in a meeting.

Okay. And you're right, I was being a bit careful. I'll drop that. Here's what I'd say plainly. You're working hard at something that's exhausting, and you're doing it mostly alone, with a running commentary in your head that says the stuff you're doing doesn't count. That's a lot to carry, and it makes sense that you're tired. You also said something useful today, even if it felt annoying. You want someone to react to you. You want to know whether you're doing it right. That's a fair thing to want, and it's not childish. If you come back, we can pick up wherever you want, including nowhere near work. Take care of yourself this week.